So this started quiet enough. The party takes some downtime, explains events to the king who states that in a months time will be a landsmeet to discuss changes in the kingdoms power structure. He is unhappy, but unsure what to do with it.
Silas has his level 1 dog gain some combat tricks from the combat master while Angus the dwarf has the black knight's armour refitted to give himself a suit of mail, he also barters a keg of beer and some of his own training with the King's champion to learn some combat tricks. After a week (to allow some healing rolls) they decide not to push their luck and head south to stay with Bear in his hall.
The elven warriors offer to train some new and useful techniques to Angus for his help in rescuing them, while the local wolf pack (friends of the druidess) teach a new combat trick to Silas' dog. Angus then avoids healing an spends a week training in the woods trying to learn "Riposte" and recreate it from seeing it used against him. He fails an intelligence check and gets the whole table to sing "Eye of the Tiger" to earn a re-roll (for having an appropriate montage) which he then passes.
This is when things get interesting; they decide to follow the halfings back to "Candyland" in the north woods. The hire two mules and load up with enough food to get them back (bread and onions). In the woods they get the rarest of all random encounters available here.
The dwarf Angus is on watch, after a few hours he hears some humming, a slight laughter, and decides to wake Giuseppe. An important thing to note in my world is that dwarf's are colourblind to everything except gold, silver and gems. Giuseppe wakes up and instantly see's that the whole area is full of psycadellic shifting colours, also that Angus has the words "I suck" in shifting red and green letters on his armour. Angus can see none of this. Using the detect magic spell "View Veil" Giuseppe finds the pixie causing this and smoozes his way into being taught a spell "Debigulate" (Shrink). Much better than it could have turned out.
Heading to Candyland, the princess, halflings and animals stay outside while the rest of the party crawl through a hole in a bush and come out into a massive open field. A giant white tower stands in the center of the area, surrounded by one winding river of milk and one of honey. Gingerbread houses and a gingerbread windmill make up the town. Sneaking into town they see it is full of the halflings, all noticeably rotund. A brief conversation has one halfling pause from skipping to smile, light up the crazy eyes and declare how happy he is.
Moving into a restaurant they see a halfling snap and start freaking out about how he can't take it and just wants real food. The other halflings smile and say "Time for an uh-oh" before streaming out of the restraunt to the main square. The humans hide while the dwarf follows the halfings into the main square. Two cupids fly into the building and subdue the halfling before dragging him to the main square where they impale him (Vlad the impaler style) onto a giant peppermint stick and sing while the halfings dance around him as he screams in a scene befitting Don Hertzfeld. One halfling falls over and pukes, only to be riddled with arrows by the cupid's as doves land on the impaled halfling and pluck out his eyes.
Deciding this is F'ed the party tries to sneak out the way they came, but a nat20 on the guard's check means they are spotted by a cupid. A sling rock to the head knocks out the cupid while the mage Giuseppe casts Fog Bank and they escape to the Windmill with its wafers turning in the light breeze. Inside as the two giant cookie wheels turn they see a halfing dead in the corner, having chewed out his own wrists. Looking at the fields they see halfing sized teddy bears leading a trio of snarling well-manicured attack poodles.
They sneak accross the river of milk and into the town where they kidnap a halfing and have him talk. He willingly talks, hoping for help for his people. They went into the woods to build a new town after their orchards flooded, in there a little girl of the village had found a shrine and wished for them all to live in a land of milk and honey. At first things went well, but after it was declared that "Happiness is Mandatory" things went downhill and the white witch torments them. Originally the halfing planned to create a diversion by "snapping" and having the guards kill him, but using their large number of throwing and backup weapons they instead take a cue from WWII Russia and lead a mob of frothing halflings to storm the front gate of the tower while Angus breaks in the back gate and Silas climbs up to a balcony.
Giuseppe uses his magic to kill the cupids with a bee swarm, using the river of honey as a massive spell component. The teddy bears and waves of halflings armed with throwing knives, a spork, rapier and crowbar mill about the front gate. The teddy bears fight back, wearing pots on their head, using pot lids as shields and wielding spiked wifflebats. Meanwhile Angus breaks into the back of the tower with his universal lockpick (sledgehammer) and comes face to face with an even larger group of teddybears, lead by a massive ogre sized teddy bear with a big yellow bow. Staring into the eyes of this beast he see's the depths of hell itself. His hammer would be useless, he can't get to the spiral staircase nor find any way to use the chandeliers to his advantage.
Thus he does the only logical thing, he challenges the giant teddy bear to a one on one wrestling match. This takes a few rounds as he is thouroughly unable to harm the teddy bear, and is merely buying time and creating a diversion.
Silas the gypsy rolled a natural 20 to climb the tower (which on closer inspection is not white stone but actual blocks of ivory) and broke into the white witches bedroom. The white witch meanwhile exits the other balcony and with the sound of delightful harps, fires a rainbow at Giuseppe down below. Giuseppe bravely shoves halflings in the way as he dodges for a saving throw. This is so awesome i give him a re-roll as the halflings explode and stumble around a mangled mess of blood and intenstines before falling over. Other halflings grab their sharpened bones as weapons and enter the fray. The next round Giuseppe calls forth a fog cloud to shield them as another rainbow blasts into the crowd. Unable to see whats going on Giuseppe hears the baying of dogs and the galloping of hooves and guesses there is a unicorn here somewhere. He casts a wall of thorns inside the fog to break their charge while the white witch casts "Fireworks" inside the melee, igniting her own teddy bears and slaughtering a great number of halflings. Giuseppe moves to pick the lock and enter the tower as the sound of yelping dogs and smashing brambles lets him know the thorns worked.
Meanwhile after a brief staredown, Angus grapples and rides the Teddy Bear for several rounds as it smashes around. Silas loots the room (taking amongst other things a locked, heart covered diary he surmises is the witches spell book), he then sneaks into the hall and decides to do a running jump over the internal stairwell, smash down the door and roll into an attack on the white witch. Knowing if he fails he'll plummet to his doom he takes the shot, and wins! As initiative starts for the attack he loses initiative and suffers the effect of a charm. He stops his rolling attack and goes downstairs to see whats going on.
Giuseppe opens the gates and the halflings storm in, Giuseppe casts a wall of thorns behind them to keep the unicorn out. Seeing his opportunity, Angus leaps from the top of the bear onto a chandelier, making a few incredibly difficult checks he manages to throw a candle into the bears bow and ignite it, before scaling the chandelier to the top of the tower.
Silas storms down to face Giuseppe who fails to cast sleep, and is instead stabbed and with the roll of a lucky number, kicked over the staircase.
Reaching the top of the tower the witch tries the same spell on the dwarf. Angus saving throw he decided was to say "F*&* you bitch", resulting in a very hard (-10) "crazy enough to work" saving throw, which on a 19, worked. His attack was a natural 20, which did max damage (doubling due to blunt weapons rolling exploding dice on a critical) and triggering his "Batter Up!" combat trick that allows a knockdown attempt as well, pushing her over the tower after taking 40 damage.
Clapping was heard all around as candyland faded, leaving behind only looted items (including 2 injured dogs stuck in a wall of thorns) and the cause of the problem.
A copper monkey idol with its paw outstretched. One finger on the paw now closed in, two remained. The halflings and the rest of the party left as Silas and Giuseppe greedily decided to make a wish.
With a wish they have up to 12 words, two of which are "I Wish". Half as many words are tacked onto the end (round up) to twist or completely alter the meaning. They decided to go short.
Giuseppe said "I wish for gold" the idol tacked on "That's stolen". He ended with the kings Treasury box of 720 gold. As he greedily decided this was acceptable (And transferred containers), Silas decided and went with "I wish for strength", the idol tacked on "of character" and changed his morality to Good.
For the Emperor!
11 hours ago